It sucks when your sick in the summer and it seems that I have a knack for it. I have been sick for a week now and it is wearing me down. I have been running a fever all day and it feels like this huge weight is on my chest making it difficult to breathe. Having RA makes me so susceptible to getting sick because my immune system is shit. It is frustrating having a cold last longer than normal or worse, having it go into pneumonia. I started to get sick last weekend while at our local Relay for Life event. I was extremely exhausted and just knew that something was coming. I was covering the event for the paper and was also trying to participate. I didn't do much walking this year---I just couldn't catch my breath. Never mind the fact that it was hotter than hell outside last weekend. As the week wore on, the symptoms did too.
I am just miserable. and bitchy. That always makes for a fun atmosphere with hubby.
I took Thurs. and Fri. off to spend time with the kids and do fun stuff. I had thoughts of going to the local pool, doing some outside projects around the house, cleaning up some things and doing some fun painting projects with the kids...none of which happened. I just hate being sick and tired all of the time and it seems to be the norm moreso than not. I have had a 4-day weekend shot to hell because of this cold/respiratory thing (that I am sure is pneumonia) and it pisses me off that I did not get to do the things I wanted to do with my kids. No bike rides, no working in my flowers, no making cookies.
I am not feeling sorry for myself --I just am extremely frustrated. Staying healthy is just not something I can do. I often think I should just suck it up, join the Y again and swim to gain some strength and maybe I won't be so sore all the time. I have always liked to ride bikes with the kids in the past but this year, riding a bike is extremely painful on my hands and knees. My right hand is becoming more and more impossible to use---especially writing. Friends and family just don't seem to understand the daily struggles. It is a struggle to get out of bed every day and get started in the morning with joints that don't work.
I know I have to work because of our insurance, but sometimes I think I should just throw in the towel and try for disability so that I can have a few good years having fun with my kids while growing up. Right now, I put every ounce of energy into surviving at work so that I can keep my job. There is very little energy left when I get home. My house is never clean enough, there is never enough laundry done and there is always something to do that I can't seem to do.
Can't stop coughing and time for more medicine. Got stories to write tonight for tomorrow's deadline and it's going to be a long night at this point.....
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Where to begin?
I'm sitting at the keyboard that has a sticky spacebar just cringing at the thought of how long it has been since my last post. Sure, I've thought of oodles of posts, but always at the times when I am not at a computer with access. Usually, it's at work when I am not able to post or view blogs or surf the net or talk on the phone or do anything fun. I actually have to work now. Ugh.
I'm finally out of the freaking float pool at work. No more filling in for other people. No more bitchy boss. No more BS about being denied days off. No more feeling like pond scum. I have my own desk back, my own phone with my own voicemail, my own place to put my own stuff. I have pictures of the kids all over my cube and I blew up a few cool ones from our trip to China. I am fitting into the new group and trying my hardest to settle into a routine where everything is recorded, your every task timed and your productivity measured. But, it could be worse. I could have no job at all and be without insurance. And, since I carry the insurance, that would be devastating to our family.
It's funny when you are in your 20s and just starting out in the career world what you say you will and won't do in your job. "I will never stay in a job that I hate. I will never work at a job just for the benefits. I want to be happy and useful in my job." And then reality sets in. You get a life-changing debilitating disease (or two), your husband's insurance refuses to cover the medicine both you and your son need and suddenly, you are stuck at a job that you hate because the benefits are too good to leave. Again, it could be worse. I know. I've got 7 1/2 years with the company and while that doesn't seem very long, to me it's long enough that I don't want to start over somewhere else. I just wish I could do a job that I loved instead of one I hated. The dept. I moved into is high stress, but the people joke around to alleviate that stress and I like that. No one is uptight. There is tons of work to keep you busy so the clock flies. I like that. We all get to chat back and forth all day long and it helps. It helps to just be part of a dept. and be included in things. That makes me feel much better about working at my company.
I write part-time for our community newspaper and I love it. It definitely helps to be able to write again and be out in the community. There are new owners and I hope that means positive changes are in store. It definitely needs it and there will be an uphill battle for awhile. I hope that I can continue writing for this paper. It's where my heart is.
This stupid spacebar is driving me nuts. I'm off for now. Maybe I could discover another keyboard in the depths of the computer parts storage closet.
I promise to blog more. I need more feedback on some upcoming posts. Stay tuned.
I'm finally out of the freaking float pool at work. No more filling in for other people. No more bitchy boss. No more BS about being denied days off. No more feeling like pond scum. I have my own desk back, my own phone with my own voicemail, my own place to put my own stuff. I have pictures of the kids all over my cube and I blew up a few cool ones from our trip to China. I am fitting into the new group and trying my hardest to settle into a routine where everything is recorded, your every task timed and your productivity measured. But, it could be worse. I could have no job at all and be without insurance. And, since I carry the insurance, that would be devastating to our family.
It's funny when you are in your 20s and just starting out in the career world what you say you will and won't do in your job. "I will never stay in a job that I hate. I will never work at a job just for the benefits. I want to be happy and useful in my job." And then reality sets in. You get a life-changing debilitating disease (or two), your husband's insurance refuses to cover the medicine both you and your son need and suddenly, you are stuck at a job that you hate because the benefits are too good to leave. Again, it could be worse. I know. I've got 7 1/2 years with the company and while that doesn't seem very long, to me it's long enough that I don't want to start over somewhere else. I just wish I could do a job that I loved instead of one I hated. The dept. I moved into is high stress, but the people joke around to alleviate that stress and I like that. No one is uptight. There is tons of work to keep you busy so the clock flies. I like that. We all get to chat back and forth all day long and it helps. It helps to just be part of a dept. and be included in things. That makes me feel much better about working at my company.
I write part-time for our community newspaper and I love it. It definitely helps to be able to write again and be out in the community. There are new owners and I hope that means positive changes are in store. It definitely needs it and there will be an uphill battle for awhile. I hope that I can continue writing for this paper. It's where my heart is.
This stupid spacebar is driving me nuts. I'm off for now. Maybe I could discover another keyboard in the depths of the computer parts storage closet.
I promise to blog more. I need more feedback on some upcoming posts. Stay tuned.
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